


Funny as Hell

by amberjj123



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek Hale is a Failwolf, Erica Reyes Ships It, Humor, M/M, Magical Stiles Stilinski, Spark Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27652802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amberjj123/pseuds/amberjj123
Summary: “Um, what is Stiles doing?” Issac asked walking into the living room where Stiles was set up.  Candles lit in a circle around him.  The bowl of blood and black salt was set in front of him as he sat with his eyes close and chanted.“Ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time to contact Satan,” said Scott looking none too happy about the whole situation.“What!” Isaac stared bug-eyed at him.“According to Gandalf over there it’s the only way to get the hounds of hell to go away,” Derek said with a shrug.“And you’re okay with this?” Isaac asked astonished.“Fuck no that’s what the vodka is for.” Derek brought the wolfsbane infused alcohol to his lips.~*~When secrets need to come out, will Derek and Stiles’ friendship become more? Or will Derek's secrets rip apart their friendship?
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 9
Kudos: 215





	Funny as Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the duologue comes from thefakeredhead.com  
> Seriously guys this website has some awesome writing prompts and duologue starters that are freaking hilarious. Highly recommend checking it out.
> 
> Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, this is un-betaed.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, and let me know what you think,  
> <3 Amberjj123

Derek sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Stiles, what the hell are you doing?”

  
“Looking for alcohol,” Stiles said opening and closing the kitchen cabinets. “I need it for a spell.”

  
“You don’t need alcohol. You need to put your pants back on,” Derek growled as he watched Stiles strut around his kitchen in nothing but tight black boxer briefs and an open flannel.

  
“But life is so freeing without them,” Stiles whined sticking out his bottom lip in a way that was just begging to get bit.

“Pants. On. Now,” Derek ground out between clenched teeth, his hands balling into fists so that he wouldn’t reach out and snag the younger man to him.

“You know stating each word as its own sentence doesn’t make it more effective.” Stiles rolled his eyes.

“Tell me again why you aren’t dating him?” Erica whispered from across the room so that only he would be able to hear. Derek glared at the blond who hadn’t even looked up from the magazine she was reading.

“Because I’d destroy him,” Derek said under his breath.

She smirked. “I’m pretty sure he’d be into that.” 

“I’m not having this conversation, Erica.” Images floated through his mind of just how he could destroy that bubble butt that was bunching in front of him as Stiles tried to jump to see what other alcohol they had on the top shelf of the cabinet. 

Erica cackled, actually cackled, drawing Stiles’ attention to her. “What’s so funny Catwoman?” he asked and Derek wasn’t sure if he was grateful or remorseful that Stiles had stopped jumping.

“Oh nothing,” she said closing the magazine she had been reading. “Boyd and I have plans so don’t try to wait up for us.”

“Why are you leaving me alone with him?” Derek whispered desperately.

“Look it's cool if you’re into voyeurism, I’m not here to kink shame anyone, but I’d rather not watch my friend get plowed by my Alpha,” Erica said under her breath as she gathered her things. Derek choked on air as he watched in amazement the little she-devil walk out of his loft. 

“And then there were two.” Stiles flashed Derek a wicked grin that only spelled trouble. 

“Stiles no-”

“Come on Derek you don’t even know what I was thinking.”

“You’re right I don’t know, nor do I care to know. All I know is that you are always up to no good.”

“It’s a Tuesday Derek, I think I can restrain myself,” Stiles said strutting over to where the werewolf was standing, his hips swinging back and forth.

“You absolutely can not.” Derek swallowed, his mouth suddenly going dry.

“Well if you think I can’t restrain myself, maybe you can do it for me,” he said with a smirk standing a hairs breath away from Derek. 

Derek held his breath, it would be so easy to just lean down that take those pillowy lips. But then he remembered that this was Stiles, the one head over heels in love with Lydia. There was no way he would be okay if Derek kissed him. Besides, Stiles was straight.

“Alright Stiles so I got the spellbook from Deaton-um why aren’t you wearing any pants?” Scott asked when he entered the kitchen, his gaze bouncing between Derek and Stiles. 

Stiles sighed and took a step back. “Because Scotty my boy, it's all part of the plan.”

“Riiiight,” Scott drawled. “Anyway, what do we need for the spell again?”

Stiles took the spellbook and flipped through the pages. “So I’m going to need fresh chicken blood, black salt, and 5 candles. Oh and a bottle of high-quality vodka.”

“Is the vodka really necessary?” Derek shuddered at the memory of the last time Stiles had gotten ahold of the clear liquid.

“Yep,” Stiles said popping the ‘p’.

“What does it even do in the spell?” Derek asked skeptically.

“Oh it doesn’t do shit for the spell, but drinking it makes me feel a hell of a lot better ripping a hole into the fabric of space and time to contact Satan,” Stiles said whiskey brown eyes sparkling with mirth.

“Tell me again why we need to contact the literal prince of hell?” Scott asked nervously.

“Because Scott, if you haven’t noticed the hounds of hell that are taring apart Beacon hills. So we’re going to ask him nicely to take them back.” Stiles rolled his eyes. “Duh.”

“Why can’t we just ask Parrish to send them back. Isn’t he a hound of hell or something?” Scott asked.

“First Parrish is a hell hound not a hound of hell, they are two vastly different things.”

“Right because that makes sense,” Derek deadpanned.

Stiles narrowed his eyes at the Alpha. “Look here Mr. I-think-I-know-everything-about-the-supernatural-world-because-I-was-born-into-it, I have spent most of my high school years studying with Deaton and fighting monsters instead of going out to party and getting laid. If I say that they are two different things then you best believe your furry ass that they are. Now, who wants to drain be the one to slit the chicken's throat so we can get this spell going?”

Derek looked at Scott arching a pointed eyebrow. Scott raised his hands in defense slowly backing up towards the door. “Oh no, I am not doing that.”

“Well you are in school to be a vet Scott shouldn’t you be the one to do it? Think of extra credit,” Derek said with a smirk.

“But you’re the Alpha,” Scott said almost in a whine. 

“If neither one of you are volunteering we’re going to settle this in a marcher adult way,” Stiles said grinning evilly at the two werewolves. “Rock, paper, scissors.”

#

“I think you missed a spot,” Derek said the corners of his mouth kicking up.

“Fuck you,” Scott growled wiping at his cheek for the spot of blood he missed.

“Sorry you’re not my type, and besides isn’t that Allison's job?” the look Derek received from Scott could curdle milk but was worth the comment. 

“Um, what is Stiles doing?” Isaac asked walking into the living room where Stiles was set up. Candles lit in a circle around him. The bowl of blood and black salt was set in front of him as he sat with his eyes close and chanted.

“Ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time to contact Satan,” said Scott looking none too happy about the whole situation.

“What!” Isaac stared bug-eyed at him.

“According to Gandalf over there it’s the only way to get the hounds of hell to go away,” Derek said with a shrug. 

“And you’re okay with this?” Issac asked astonished.

“Fuck no that’s what the vodka is for.” Derek brought the wolfsbane infused alcohol to his lips.

“My sense of self-preservation must be way higher than you guys ‘cause I’m gonna go far away from here, so…..bye,” Isaac said before literally sprinting out of the room.

“Does he have to be so overly dramatic?” Derek asked rolling his eyes.

“I mean it adds a certain spice to life.” Scott shrugged.

Derek’s eyes traveled back to where Stiles was. “Shouldn’t Deaton be here?”

“Should he be here, yes. Is he available to be here, no.”

“Then where is he?” Derek’s brows pinched together.

“At a vet’s conference and won't be back until next Friday.”

Suddenly the air around them began to crackle with energy, the runes on the floor glowing a bright red. His stomach turned with anxiety and took an involuntary step forward. The air around picking up and whipping around them. He felt himself being pulled by some unseeing force closer to where Stiles sat. Unaware of what was going on around him. Then everything went still.

“Why did you call upon me, mortal?” a deep booming voice filled the air around them. It’s anger palpable in the air. 

“We ask that you take back your hounds of hell so that they stop killing people in my town.” Stiles’ eyes snapped open, glowing an ethereal green.

“Oh shoot they got out again didn’t they. So sorry that this happened. I told Beelzebub to lock that blasted gate,” the voice said losing any anger or malice it once had. “Look, I’ll try not to let that happen again.” Everyone blinked in shock at the abrupt change of tone the voice had. 

“Uh…Thanks Satan. So does that mean you’ll come and pick them up or something?” Stiles asked cautiously.

The voice sighed. “The only way I’ll be able to come to Earth is if there is a sacrifice. But I’m afraid it's often too high for you mortals to make.”

“What is it?” Stiles asked.

“I need three hearts laid bear to me and I’ll be able to get my hounds.” 

“What do you mean ‘lay our heart bear’?” Stiles blanched.

“Give me that secret you are scared to share. I think you all know which ones I seek,” the voice said and Derek heard the smirk that made his hackles rise.

“I want to be in a polygamous relationship with Allison and Issac,” Scott said. He stood tall with his chin held high. Derek wasn’t shocked about Scott’s secret, but he was shocked that the beta chose to go first.

“I’m bisexual,” Stiles said a hard glint in his eye challenging Scott or Derek to react. 

Hope bloomed in Derek’s chest. Maybe, just maybe, Stiles would reciprocate his feelings. “I’m in love with someone in my pack.” 

“I’m afraid I can only accept whole secrets, not partial ones,” the voice said. Derek's eyes widened with worry as dread filled his stomach.

“Come on man, we all did ours just tell us who you’re in love with, it’s not that big of a deal,” Scott said.

“I’m in love with Stiles.” Derek looked away, unable to see the rejection in Stiles’ eyes.

There was a loud popping sound as the room filled with a blinding white light, then everything went black.

#

Derek blinked against the morning light as he looked around his loft. The candles were snuffed out but they were still on the floor, along with the runes. Thankfully the bowl of blood was no were

to be found. He sat up from the couch and saw that Stiles stood in front of him fuming. 

“Uh hey Stiles,” Derek said cautiously. He had never seen Stiles this mad before, he could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. 

“Don’t you ‘hey Stiles’ me Derek Hale! How could you not tell me?”

“Because I knew you didn’t have feelings for me. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to be with me just because I’m the Alpha,” Derek said looking away.

“I literally strutted around your kitchen practically naked and made sexual innuendos and you thought I didn’t like you?”

“Well sorry! It’s not like ever since I met you you’ve been fawning and mooning over Lydia.” Derek shot up from the couch getting in Stiles' face. 

“Ugh, you’re so unbelievable! I don’t know whether to kiss your stupid werewolf face or shove you off a bridge!”

“Can I pick?” Erica asked from her seat on the living room couch.

“NO!” Derek and Stiles shouted at the same time. 

_When the hell did she get here? And why does she have popcorn?_

“Not once since I’ve known you have you showed any interest in any guy!” said Derek his anger hiding his hurt.

“Really? ‘Cause, that’s fucking bull shit and you know it.”

“Name one guy you showed interest in?” Derek crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow.

“You, you big idiot!” Stiles threw his arms up in exasperation. 

Just then Peter walked into the room stopping to take in the scene. “I can’t quite tell if they are about to fuck or rip each other's throats out,” he said stealing some of Erica’s popcorn.

“At this point, I think it’s 50/50,” she said scooting over so that Peter could also sit and watch the showdown. 

“What did you want me to do Stiles? It's not like I’ve had the best track record with relationships. Our friendship means too much to me for me to risk it.” 

“Derek I’ve been in love with you since I was 16. How could you not have known?” Stiles said all of his anger deflating. “Between my chemosignals and elevated heart rate whenever you were near me, I thought it was obvious that I liked you. I thought the reason why you never mentioned it or said anything was because you didn’t feel the same way and didn’t want to embarrass me.”

“Oh trust me it was obvious,” Peter said cheerfully.

“Can I please hit him in the face with one of your steak knives?” Stiles asked Derek.

Derek chuckled and rested their foreheads together. “I believe the technical term is ‘stab’ and no you can not. I rather not have to spend the rest of your life visiting you in jail.” 

“Hey, it’s only a crime if we get caught.” Stiles’ whispered against Derek’s lips. 

“Oh for shits sakes just kiss the damn fool already,” Erica said. 

“You heard the lady.” Stiles pressed their lips together. Plush lips pushed against his sending a jolt of need coursed through his body. Soon the kiss deepened and Derek could hear the other wolf-whistling and feel the popcorn that they threw at them. Derek broke away from the kiss slowly. Grinning like the fool he was, he picked up Stiles caveman-style and marched off to his bedroom. 


End file.
